Not My First Go-round

The crazy thing is, this wasn’t my first go-round. Twenty years earlier, I had been fighting a debilitating disease, along with OCD, depression, and anxiety. That experience is what first led me down the path of holistic healing. But somehow, here I was again. How could I be here again? Didn’t I know better?

The truth is, knowledge alone isn’t enough if you’re still holding onto the pain of the past. I had tried to outrun it for years, but it had finally caught up with me. It felt like God was no longer gently nudging me – He was hitting me over the head with a brick, saying, “It’s time to stop running, daughter. Wake up and heal.”

The Wake-Up Call

And COVID became that wake-up call.

I was no longer able to work 18-hour days, 7 days a week. I couldn’t escape myself anymore, so I was forced to slow down and well, take a hard look at my life – and it broke me.

I realized it wasn’t just my mental and physical health that was suffering, but my most important relationships were taking a beating, too. My kids were like strangers – emotionally miles away – and my marriage barely existed. Michael and I were more roommates than husband and wife – just two strangers under the same roof.

I felt such despair, realizing I had lost so much over the years. Years I could never get back. I remember screaming inside, “This can’t be my life!”

Hitting Rock Bottom

The critical moment came one day when I was cleaning the house and stumbled on some old journals of mine. Journals that spanned the past 25 years of my life.

Sitting on the edge of my bed flipping through them, I was floored! Leafing through journal after journal that spanned over a couple of decades, I realized all the dreams, wishes, and goals I had for my life, I was still wishing for – 25 years later! I had never achieved those desires that were deep in my soul.

I cried as I thought to myself, “If I were dead and my kids found my journals, what would they think of me?” Would they see their mother as a failure? A total embarrassment? A woman who had dreams and never pursued them? Someone who complained, but didn’t change a damn thing? A woman who gave up?

Would they end up resenting me? Would they shake their heads in pity and disgust when they remembered me?

Would I be an example of how NOT to live their lives?

Or worse, would they live their lives as unfulfilled as I was? Like me, would they live an unlived life?

As morbid as my thinking was, it was in that moment that I knew I had to make some serious changes. I decided – right then and there – this was not how I was going to be remembered. This was not going to be the example I’d leave behind. “No”, I said to myself, “This has gotta change. Now!”

The Turning Point

So I made the difficult decision to close my school down permanently. And while leaving my students was hard (as I loved them so) I knew deep down it was the right decision. For me, and for what truly mattered most – my health, my life, my family. It was time to cut the cord.

I took time to reflect on what I wanted – and didn’t want – in life.

I invested in myself – getting the help I needed to heal from the beliefs that had been holding me back.

I started taking care of myself – exercising, eating real food, and actually sleeping for once.

I started to lose weight – pounds and baggage – I was getting back in shape.

I started patching up my relationships – stitching those threads back together.

I learned to set boundaries around my work and life – no more bleeding into each other.

I laced up my dancing shoes again – kicked the dust off and moved.

I grabbed my dreams by the horns – set goals and made a plan to hit them.

Most importantly, I decided to live my life for Christ – to fully dedicate all I am to Him and to God’s calling for me.

My spirit cried out to light a fire for my family and build a legacy they’d be proud to carry. I wanted to rebuild my marriage, heal my relationships, claim the freedom and purpose God planned for me, and stop wasting one more second wishing for what I’d always dreamed.

My Second Act

We left California behind – trading crazy for calm – and kicked off our Second Act on 22 acres in the Arkansas’ Ozarks: Sacred Meadows Farm. We’re building it from scratch – with love and a clear vision of our legacy.

I treasure every moment I get to spend with our three grown children and those beautiful grandbabies.

And with a committed faith in Christ – who’s always got my back – I’ve stepped boldly into my new life.

My Mission and Method